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CrzyAznMinx
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Name: L E N A
Location: Denver, Colorado, United States
Birthday: 9/9/1985
Gender: Female
Interests: tennis shooting pool piercings driving [just wish I had an endless tank of gas to go with it, I'd prolly be somewhere in Canada by now if I did]. Your Mood Ring is Magenta WeirdCreativeInsipiredThriving Mood Ring Generator **Wanting to... box drag race tats and play drums... These count as interests, right? :-P Or semi-interests, at least.
Expertise: Stalking... ...bugging ...annoying... ...with tendencies to act out crazily... ... SIKE! (omg, who uses that nowadays???)
Occupation: Student
Industry: Medical
Message: message me
AIM:  dem0n0ci0us
Yahoo:  funks0ulsister
Member Since:
6/16/2003
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| "When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on." -Teddy Roosevelt
So...I have been hanging on to this metaphorical knot for quite a while, so long that my hands are blistered, sore and tired and I think I'm about to let go and let myself fall
fall....
keep falling...
and perhaps hit rock bottom.
If there is a bottom  anywhoo - I have now come to the realization that perhaps the medical field is not for me after all. Perhaps I should change my career path because obviously I am not meant to live comfortably in addition to making a shit load of money a year. Damn. That really sucks. I just downed a fairly strong Jack-n-Coke, had a good cry and have breezed through the grievance process and am at acceptance now. Or am I? I'm contemplating making an appointment with an advisor at the university where I want to transfer after these horrid community college years  and asking whether or not I should withdraw this coming Friday. Friday, being the last day to withdraw with a W. Which would be better? Withdrawing? Or retaking the class (friggin again?!?!?!?!  )for a better grade? Alls I gotta say is "FAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Friggin a, man. Friggin frackity flippin a. What the bad word fuck. *sigh* When will I either get my shit together or should I just settle?? Settle at working at this damned job forever and ever and ever  ... BUT I DONT WANNA!!!!! But I also cant make the damn grades. Fuck man...I dunno what to doooooooo T_T friggin a. I dont know where I can find this motivation, this drive thats got to be within me, somewheres....right?? Or is completely gone? T_T I just dont know...
~Bunny | | |
| "A friendship that can end never really began." -Publilius Syrus
But arent there exceptions??? Life happens. You get caught up in work, school, family, whatever the case may be - life happens, right??? But I guess if one really cared, he/she would make an attempt to stay in contact with these close friends...no excuses right? You make time for what you want to make time for...right? I guess in my case, nothing except for sleep? ._. But then what does it mean when friendships fade into background noise as new one arise?? I want to keep my old friendships alive but I dont know how to! T_T Especially when marriage and/or kids or even a serious relationship spring into these old friendships which makes it even harder to get together with these old friends because they need a babysitter or to check in with their significant other to make sure that in THEIR relationship, there arent events or anything going on, and they'll "get back to you later that week". *sigh* What about meeeeeeeee??? I was in the picture first  lol...maybe its my selfishness that kills these old friendships? But its not like I request half the week - just a day, if its every couple of weeks or once a month, thats just fine with me. As long as I get my time alone with my friends because its very important to have these times. I read an article stating that people who have strong friendship bonds are much happier than those who dont. And gawd knows I need as many factors as possible to contribute to me being an overall happy individual.
Recently, actually, maybe this past year, I've felt that I have been pushed out of a few of my friends' lives. Maybe its just all my doing. It is a two way street, no?? I've definitely not been the best of a friend as of these past few years. *sigh* So I guess I shouldnt be surprised when I pretend that everything is a-ok and just waltz right back into the lives of people that I dont even keep in contact with and they dont quite receive me with open arms. U_U I cant just pick up where I left off, a year ago, or 2, 3, even 5 years ago. It just doesnt work like that apparently But it still always makes me feel like I'm doing all the work. And like really, if I'm such a bother trying to make a friendship work, I wish the other person would tell me so instead of just dragging me along. Stop beating around the bush and say "Hey, so you're being a bother. Please stop bothering me. I have no time nor do I want to include you in my new life." I'll be a seriously sad panda but its better to end it altogether instead of this slowly painful death of a friendship that makes me feel like complete shit. And if anyone thinks that I am letting a friendship die, they should stand up and let me know the wrong of my ways, no?? Je ne sais pas....I really dont.
About life.
About anyone.
Or anything!  *pulls hair out of head*
In the interim, I am still attempting to learn about this thing called life and everything that it contains ._. its definitely not been an easy process U_U but quite an interesting one at the very least.
~Bunny | | |
| I have never felt so alone as I have just now. So I'm on Facebook chat, talking to my friend's brother and we started talking about my siblings and how I am unspokenly, back door shunned from being in any part of their lives. Which, I guess I had partly invoked, but I've tried fixing it with my lil sister and brother to no avail. I have no desire to fix it with my other sister, she can kiss my ass for all I care. Anywhoo - it made me a very sad panda and very alone because I've no one really. I have my besties, but they're always caught up in their stuff and everytime I try to call my mom to just talk, she's always caught up with her things too. My lil sister and brother always give me short answers when I try to talk to them. I feel very alone right now. The only times anybody ever calls/texts me is when they need something. Except for my mom, she calls because she hasnt heard from me.  Anyway...I'm a sad panda...er...bunny. One of the two lol
~Bunny | | |
| Dreams have always been so mysterious to humans. Lots of explanations, beliefs and superstitions surround the theories of dreams. I bring this up because I just recently had a dream that shook my world. Knocked me on my ass and has had me reflecting all day. On myself, the relationship I have with my family, more specifically my mother. Ah...the age old topic, always the relationship I have with my mother. Always trying to seek out her approval, even now as I say I've given up, I know that I have not completely given up. It'll always linger in the back of my mind, always slightly hidden in the shadows, just barely peeping through. And if I should let my guard down, it might come at me with such a force that I'll not be able to contain it. O_O which is why I choose to ignore it and gnaw at me as it will, it'll always be watching and waiting.
Anywhoo...enough of being all emo and dramatic and the such... The dream was rather a violent one. The most violent one I've ever had. In it, I was pulling chunks of my hair out. Like literally chunks, where when I looked at my clenched fists, there were fistfuls of hair. The best way to describe it overall was that I was having a temper tantrum and mutilating myself in the process (cutting myself, banging my head to nearly a pulp on the sidewalk while my family watched, ripping at my skin, it was quite the grisly dream, or shall I say nightmare?). I woke up shocked and discombobulated. I laid there for awhile and then started crying. Maybe its been all the pent up stress from school, work, being an adult in general and it manifested in such violence because my mom might've set it off (surprise, surprise) by telling me that if I wanted to go to the wedding next month, I'd have to dye my hair dark, like how it should be. First off, why dye it dark when it'll naturally grow back dark?? I'm not buying a dye kit to dye my hair black or brown just so I can go to a wedding. It makes no fuckin sense at all. So that fuckin peeved me to no end. Secondly, I am way too fuckin old to still be chastised by my mother. I have not lived under her roof for so many years because of the rift she and I have - will always have.
If she's so embarrassed of me, then why did she bother to ask if I was going to go earlier this week? Why not just conveniently forget to remind me like she would otherwise do? I think its her sick twisted way of throwing it in my face what a disappointment I am to her and will always be. *shrug* She didn't invite me to head out with them to the mountains for the 4th of July, or for their upcoming trip to Yellowstone. In her eyes, she is in no wrong. Yet..YET, she's asking if I want to fly some odd hundred miles to California for a wedding. Oh and I have to have a near natural hair color in order to attend said wedding. Fuck that, thanks but no fucking thanks.
I was totally going to go in a different direction with this update, lol...funny how that works out. I end up with remorse, anger and unfulfillment. -_-'
Bunny | | |
| I haven't hit rock bottom. I think that's what my problem is. Now the question is: do I wanna be down in the pits, at the end of the never ending abyss that does in fact have an end? I'm not sure but I do know one thing - I wanna change. I just can't find it within myself to push this "change" in motion. Plus - I dunno what this "change" entails. I was thinking a near death experience, but that's proven to be moot because I've been wishing and hoping for it for quite a while now and it still hasn't come. I could provoke one, but that's not the same thing. This has to be something that occurs naturally. At the same time, I don't want it to be something that leaves me crippled, handicapped or otherwise. But of course, we can't pick and choose what we want to happen by chance, eh? -_-; such as the valiant knight in shining armour to come from the sunset, galloping on his white horse to come a-swooping you off your feet kinda deal. Except I think the modern day version might be something like a tall, handsome, green eyed vampire (wasn't expecting that, were you?? Lol) speeding toward me on his Ducati Superbike 1198R Corse (or the Buell 1125RR, whichever  ), swinging me onto the back of it and we ride off into the dark of the night silly me, Trix are for kids... So...I just asked an advisor online about the situation of me failing the darned English 112 class twice and withdrawing once. Apparently that shit stays on your record. -_-; now to hack into the community college system and change that...roflmao! Yeah right...I'm not smart enough to pull something like that and get away with it *sigh* I wonder how that will look on my med school application... So I have a stupid ethics paper to type up, hence why I'm awake at 4 in the afternoon blah blah BLAH!!!! ~Bunny random side note: Imma find me a tattoo artist boyfriend so that he can do tat up my right thigh, like do an entire sleeve? Is that the technical name for it? so that whenever we part ways, I'll always have that part of him to remember  how sappy, eh? And hopefully it wont be an ugly break up LOL!! | | |
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