I'll never learn... >_<#

"If you don't like something, change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it." -Mary Engelbreit

Alas, if only it were so simple!!

Theres been quite a lot on my plate these days, what with my summer class ending, work in general and trying to get things done before the next semester starts.Today, I am going to start off with the most recurrent theme of my life - procrastination. In fact, it is so repetitive and old that my friends are tired of hearing me complain about it. I'm sure they want me to just shut the fuck up and do something about it like a grown woman should. In a lot of ways, I feel like I am living my life backwards of sorts, what 12 year old changes diapers??? Not that I am resentful of the fact that I had to potty train and basically helped my parents raise my little sister and brother. It just feels a tad bit backwards. I feel angry about a lot of things and I feel melancholic-ish of sorts in other ways? I dunno. For instance - I failed English again. A few weeks in, I started to get lazy? Or was it the fact that my antidepressants ran out and I hadnt taken them for awhile and symptoms started coming back? I've no idea what the fuck it was really. I dont know what to do about it though. On the one hand, I do want to email my professor and beg for some pity of sort. But on the other hand, I just feel that I was totally and utterly responsible for the entire thing. I should have known better. I am an adult, right?? I shouldnt have to beg and ask for a better grade, a passing one at the least, because it was all to my doing. I did this to myself and I should take responsibilty.

BUT - I also dont want to drop another $300 just to get a fucking passing grade. Plus, the thought of writing another damned 10-15 page paper gives me the hives and starts initiating hair pulling of a tortuous variety. Seriously!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I dont know why I keep doing this. Its like I've got nothing else better to do than to waste money on classes to fail. Nothing else but to fail. WHY??? I've no idea. Maybe I was dropped on my head as a baby in the wrong place where I dont give a damn about how I am spending my hard earned dinero. (It is kinda hard earned, considering I load and unload heavy pieces of equipment with mail and get harassed by my bitch of a supervisor at least twice a week, if not more depending on her mood). I feel like I have to make an appointment with my psychologist just to have someone to talk to? Someone who can tell me why the hell I keep fucking up. Its really disconcerting. I did feel a tad bit better yesterday after baking a cake and some little pastry-like thingies that were called puffins (something I bought from a coworker for his child's fundraiser dealie). Anywhichway, this is depressing!! Where did everything go wrong??? Was it because I wasnt in school for awhile??? I've never ever failed a class in my life until I went to college! What the fuck happened to the Lena who was ambitious and had a plan to take over the world (so to speak). Just...rawr! Fuck. Fuckin a, you know??? Its really disheartening, the whole thing. MY LIFE.

"Life is like a coin. You can spend it any way you wish, but you only spend it once." -Lillian Dickson

Blah, anyway, I needed to get that off my chest because I feel like a bother talking about it to Alan and Antonio, as I'm sure they're tired of my whining and would like to shove cheese down my throat for it to stop. Consequently, I still dont feel better after hashing this out on my keyboard. >_<#

On another note - I read The Time Traveler's Wife last week and I absolutely loved it! I am waiting to see it in the theaters, but since the friends that I was going to see it with arent really getting back to me, I might go see it myself. I also dont want to potentially tear up in front of them lol...I feel that I shouldnt anyway. And now I am currently reading Angels and Demons. I must admit, it has not captivated me like The DaVinci Code, but its pretty good so far. I wish I knew how to manage my time better! I havent read anything since the spring semester! Reading is always so comforting to me because I get to lose myself to the world of my imagination. *sigh* I also need to find the motivation to jog again. Which brings me to...I might get a roommate!! YAY!!! So far, I've had two potential roommates with fail, as they only asked if I was looking for one and then things didnt go as far as planning. *shrug* Anyway, hopefully, *fingers crossed* this will go further and he might actually move in at the end of September/beginning of October. Maybe this will spark my motivation to cook and take better care of myself? As much as I dislike my sister, when she was living with me, I felt I had to clean and do dishes more often and actually cook more often. It was nice ish. Even if I hate her guts. But anyway, I hope that my friend wont change his mind, because it'd be nice to have someone to live with after four years of solitude! Not to mention, a jogging partner! (My dogs are great jogging parners, well, just Puck, Marlowe is a lazy ass! But after jogging, Puck will vomit his bile and I dont like that too much so we havent jogged for awhile.)

~Lena

Busy week last week!

"The quality of your life is the quality of your relationships." -Anthony Robbins

Wowsers! Last week was busy for me! (I'm having writers block again LOL, so I'm blogging instead of doing my assignment due here in a few hours. eep!) So I went to Pride last Sunday, then the Cherry Blossom festival afterwards, missed bowling, passed out til the next morning at 9? Didnt do my assignment again. Was carless Monday and Tuesday, and that shouldve gave me enough incentive to clean house, do homework, etc..but it didnt. I think I may have slept a lot those two days...Wednesday I had class but I came home after work that morning and passed out til I had to get up for class and bleached my hair once more hehe...Thursday, I went to Wyoming with a friend, my baby sister and brother to buy illegal fireworks. Yay, illegal activities! LOL!! Friday, went to First Friday, there was hardly anyone there. Found a piece that I really liked, but it was like $1200!!  SO - I am opting for the print, which is like $30, whenever that comes out hehe..apparently the artist had just finished painting it the previous week. I think it was an oil painting. I've no idea how to store oil paintings properly anywhoo, so I wouldnt buy it if I had the money. *grumbles* ahem, $700 knives. *deep regretful sigh* LMAO! Anyway, then Saturday, had a bbq at my uncle's place and my brother and little cousins shot a lot of the fireworks. Hrm, wonder if Alan shot the big ones yet...he has most of the fireworks after all.

And yesterday, I went hiking right after work. Yep, we went to the 4th of July trail hehe...that was a brutal hike!  My gawd!! I skinned my knee (ouches!) and left my mark (peed) in the great wilderness for the first time LMAO!! It was weird and I was paranoid that I was somewheres where someone could see me from a distance. Eep! I hate that. Anyway...the hike overall was awesome. Met a great group of people. They were all very friendly, and entertaining. I fell asleep on the way back, so I dunno who I drooled on and what the not. Eep. LOL!! Um...yea and then I missed bowling again. I dont think joining a bowling league to spark my dying social life was the best idea now. Bowlers are serious people who apparently scowl at others who laugh hysterically i.e: Antonio and I. LMAO! SO - it makes me not wanna go. And Denis is pissing me off ish. Ugh. He had a falling out with one of our friends, Chris, who he had introduced to us and had lived with for a short period of time. I think something happened while they were living together, or maybe it was they had differences in living together because Denis moved out and they never really talked or hung out again and deleted one another off their facebook friend lists. 

SO - anyway, I had invited Denis for the hike yesterday and he looked on the facebook event page, because another friend had invited me and I sent Denis the link. Anyway, so I invited him and he saw that Chris was under the "maybe attending" tab and decided that he wasnt going to go. Yep. He decided to not wanna go just because Chris MAYBE was or wasnt going to go. I was irritated at that. I even told him that Chris was a late riser, whichhe knew because they lived together, derr derr...! And it was like a 99% chance that he was not going to go and to come and have fun with us! But no! He decided not to go. How trivial!!! I was very much irritated by that! Then Denis told me he was still scarred from some odd months ago when I had told him to come meet us downtown and he had said, "Okay, we'll see how I feel, I might give you guys a call and meet up with you guys." So he waited til near midnight to come down, which lots of the places are packed by then and we were at Suite 200 and he was like, "I hate this place." But waited in line anyway for about 45 mins and then went back home. If he had came out when we were going, it would not have been a big deal. SO - he said it was because of the night months ago that makes him a bit wary to hang out with me. Like WTF??????? He is a weirdie. Alls he had to do was meet us at the Auraria Campus yesterday, and he went to school there for three years! So it would not had been a big deal! Ugh, just irritated. Anyway, I'm going to find some motivation somewheres and do my homework assignments. *SIGH*

~Lena

Side note: I was reading my previous blog entry and it gave me (dunno about anyone else) the distinct impression ish that I regret the decisions I made, but I dont. Except for maybe the expensive friggin knives. LOL Things happen for a reason and make the me of today and sometimes I like the me of today and sometimes I dont, but I dont regret the many bad decisions that I have made , just kinda wished I did things a bit differently and had a more rational thought process hehe...

"We are never more discontented with others than we are discontented with ourselves." -Henri Frederic Amiel

Things that make me a Sad Panda lol

"The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." -Kahil Gibran (Methinks not! How so??? Where so???? LOL)

Thinking about my nice set of $700+ knives makes me a Sad panda. So sad that I think about other things I could've bought. Such as:
Sofa set (can you believe that I have lived in my condo for a little over five years without a damned sofa set???)
Motorcycle (could've been really useful today and tomorrow, sadness)
New bed (my backs killing me ever since I slept wrong)
New laptop (because in techie terms, mine's is ancient)
The piano I've been searching for since mid March ish. Or was it earlier?

And just some other miscellaneous stuffs. Thinking about all that and how I help my ungrateful siblings out from time to time also makes me a sad panda if not a very peeved one. So while I have an awesome mom at times. I have a rather fucked up family who deem it necessary to shun me as the outcast. Example: Today I had to take my car in to get the water pump replaced, which was under warranty, yay! SO - guy tells me the Toyota handbook dealie says it takes 11 hours but they'll try to get it to me by the end of the day. I brought it in at 10:30. I'm like oookay, good luck with miraculously changing it in the next six hours. I have class today and its in Aurora. The dealership is in Westminster which is a good half hour or so apart from one another. I call my sister (who had lived with me for two weeks because the drive from Westminster to the Park Meadows mall is too long and is better from my place, AND my mom convinced me to let her stay with me on days that she works. Which turned out to conveniently be almost every friggin day , mom had made it sound like it was only going to be a few times a week, alas, she has been fired. Or in her words: the kiosk that she was working in "had closed down"). Anyway, LOL...that was a long side note, so I call her to see if she will pick me up at the least and take me home. Nope, she's busy fucking sleeping. This is at 11 in the friggin gawddamn morning!!!!! What else has she to do???? Really, get your lazy fucking ass out of bed and take me home so that I may do my homework and proceed to walk to class!!!! UGH.

Her excuse, as told to me by my baby sister is that she has to take my other sister (who sold me the damned $700 knives on my mom's insistence to "help" her out because she claimed that no one in the house "wanted to support her" in her endeavors, its true, I heard her bawling it the night I bought those damned knives) to an appointment at 11:30. And this gets better, okay? Are you friggin ready??? BTW - I am still fuming at these two worthless pieces of shit excuses for sisters, which is the most likely reason that I dont care to know what the fuck they're doing, lol...SO - I ask my baby sister to ask my piece of shit dad. At first he's like 'Okay, I'll come get you.' Oh and the damned dealership is less than a ten minute drive from my parent's house, mind you, its not like I was asking for an arm and leg and whatever body part they seem to have thought I was asking for. Then he calls back 10-15 minutes later, and I'm like, "Sweet, maybe he's not as big of a piece of shit dad that I took him for." No, people, I was wrong. He says, "Why dont you have the people there at the dealership take you home?" Okay - first of all, its not like my dad has anything going for him. NOTHING for him to do til 2 o'clock when he starts to get ready for work. ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING!!!!!! And its not like I was waking him up because he was already waking up. So what if I didnt call to tell him 'Happy Father's day'????? None of my sisters or brother said it to him!!! AND two of my sisters (at the time) and my brother live with him!!

So I go back to the guy who said that they could arrange for a ride for me to school or home and ask if the offer was still good. Of course it is and one of the service guys take me home. And heres the best part - I get there, my baby sister's like, "What happened to dad getting you?" I say that the dealership took me there, no thanks to dad. And he gets offended. WTF??? Would it had really been so friggin hard to spend about 20 minutes of your time to come get your fucking kid??? I've never asked anything of my dad for the past 10 or so years. Its always been my mom because essentially, she is also my dad. And he was just the sperm donor. Piece of shit. Ugh. So I get there and my sisters dont leave til near noon!!!! AND I ask my sister what time her appointment was and its at fucking 1!!!! 1 fucking o'clock!!!!! Granted it was in Bennett, but c'mon, it was 11 when I called, it does not take three fucking hours to get to Bennett. She could've gotten out of bed and came to get me. I had to get up and go get her sorry ass from high school a few times! Seriously though, less than 10 minutes. Was that so fucking bad??? AND I even let her sorry mooching ass stay with me rent free. It was going to be for the entire summer, but she got fired after two weeks.

Yea, so whoever coined the phrase or belief that you can always depend on your family has never met my fucking family. I caught a ride with them back to my home but that was only because they were on their way down to Bennett. GRAWR!!!! So I had to walk in the sweltering heat today to class, thankfully one of my classmates saw me on the way there and gave me a ride for the last bit of the walk. How is it that I cant get a fucking ride from my family but a classmate will stop and pick me up for class???? I dont fucking get it. Oh, thats right, my family sucks ass. LOL Oh and another thing - so my 11 year old brother has a myspace and he decides to not add me. WTF??? First off, hes fuckin 11. Not to mention that my baby sister also has one too and I'm nowhere on her top friends list which is frivolous but isnt it the principle of the matter?? My two other sisters are on her top friends list but not me. Why the fuck is that?? I try to hang out with her as much as I can but I guess theyve just decided to shun me for whatever reason unknown to me. *sigh*

So I've decided that my life has been one big bad decision after another. I can't seem to ever be satisfied for any long period of time.

Collegeamerica? Waste of time.

Dating Oscar after knowing how it will be afterwards, just like how I went on the "date" with Justin *shudder* so many years ago... Rawr. As a matter of fact, all the guys I've dated thus far have been bad decisions. Except for Chris. If Chris had came before Ced, before Oscar, before Alan (who I never dated, but I really liked him and he totally crushed me and ironically we're now close friends, weird.) anyway, if Chris had come before all these pitfalls of dating, I think things might have been different. But no. I've fucked everything up. As always. So many what if's. I think I would be in med school right now if I'd been thinking clearly. *sigh* Where has all my ambition and motivation gone? Anyway, its getting late and I've been writing in this on and off for the last two hours now lol...its time to call it a night. I've got to get into the habit of jogging again.

Lena

Where have I wronged??

So I'm feeling rather melancholic tonight/this morning and its all to my doing. I just cant have it all.! That is the theme of my life. I cant have the great guy, get good marks in my classes and have a full time job at the same time. I have realized that and have downsized it to good marks in my classes and full time job. WELL - it seems as though having good friends is thrown into the mix too. Not that the friends I have now aren't good, because they rock and are friggin awesome. The problem lies within me. Its always been me. I want to work the swing shift, but I dont know if I can get up early enough for morning classes (totally not a morning person). The swing shift also enables me to go out after work, if I so desire as some of the shifts end at 10:30 or 11. Which means that I dont necessarily have to have weekends off, but if I want weekends off because my social life is near death and has been on the brink of such calamity for the past couple years, I wont be able to have good marks in school. Why you ask? Because I will be too busy partying and hungover to do any kind of homework. I know that is what will happen and I dont want that to happen.

And so - the inevitable theme comes back - I just cant have everything. *sigh* And now I've just lost my train of thought because of a phone call. LOL! Total booty call. I wont lie. Its totally not happening because it is friggin 3 in the morning and he wants me to drive to Fort Collins. Screw that! If he wants some ass, he better come down here, lmao!! Anyway, like I was saying, total melancholy because of lack of friends who want to go out. Which was why I went onto Craig's list (how dumb and pathetic) to try to find some friends that would want to party with me or something to that effect from time to time. But even then, its like awkwardness because everyone is always like, "SO - how you know one another?" Awkward. People look at you all weird and its just awkward. I hate it. I'm such a non people person, which is probably the explanation to my lack of friends. Where did it all go wrong? Is it the fact that I work nights? Have I turned into a zombie of sorts? *sigh* Whatever. I'll never get this thing called life right.

UGH. So Fort Collins guy calls and starts yelling at me and calling me names for no apparent reason. What a meanie. I think he was drunk. Or something. He then called like three times after he told me to hang up. Wow. I dont even know. Randomest shit ever. Here I am being melancholy and the like and its like he wants to rile me up for....well, I dont even know what for! For me to be angry?? At what?? I'm just stupefied at where this is all coming from, really. Why am I even continuing with this verbal abuse from him?? *sigh* Totally not worth my time. I've got to head to bed because I'm going to that electric daisy carnival(?) tomorrow and before that, I'm going to the KBPI car show and before that, I'm taking Puck to get his shots. I should be in bed right about now, er, hours ago. I shouldnt even had answered and feigned sleepiness, LOL...I'm bad. *shrug* I wish I could call Antonio and talk to him about this but he hasnt answered my calls all day or my texts. I hate when he doesnt, because then it makes me feel like I'm bothering him. *sigh* I could call Scott. Then I feel like an ass because I dont talk to him regularly. I am a horrible person, I shouldnt be surprised by it. Ah, well. At least I know it. *shrug* So many shoulds and shouldnts. Damn, I cant even figure myself out after 20-something odd years. How depressing. And so, I end with melancholy again. I need a drink.

~Lena

Damn dogs!!!!