So I'm feeling rather melancholic tonight/this morning and its all to my doing. I just cant have it all.! That is the theme of my life. I cant have the great guy, get good marks in my classes and have a full time job at the same time. I have realized that and have downsized it to good marks in my classes and full time job. WELL - it seems as though having good friends is thrown into the mix too. Not that the friends I have now aren't good, because they rock and are friggin awesome. The problem lies within me. Its always been me. I want to work the swing shift, but I dont know if I can get up early enough for morning classes (totally not a morning person). The swing shift also enables me to go out after work, if I so desire as some of the shifts end at 10:30 or 11. Which means that I dont necessarily have to have weekends off, but if I want weekends off because my social life is near death and has been on the brink of such calamity for the past couple years, I wont be able to have good marks in school. Why you ask? Because I will be too busy partying and hungover to do any kind of homework. I know that is what will happen and I dont want that to happen.

And so - the inevitable theme comes back - I just cant have everything. *sigh* And now I've just lost my train of thought because of a phone call. LOL! Total booty call. I wont lie. Its totally not happening because it is friggin 3 in the morning and he wants me to drive to Fort Collins. Screw that! If he wants some ass, he better come down here, lmao!! Anyway, like I was saying, total melancholy because of lack of friends who want to go out. Which was why I went onto Craig's list (how dumb and pathetic) to try to find some friends that would want to party with me or something to that effect from time to time. But even then, its like awkwardness because everyone is always like, "SO - how you know one another?" Awkward. People look at you all weird and its just awkward. I hate it. I'm such a non people person, which is probably the explanation to my lack of friends. Where did it all go wrong? Is it the fact that I work nights? Have I turned into a zombie of sorts? *sigh* Whatever. I'll never get this thing called life right.

UGH. So Fort Collins guy calls and starts yelling at me and calling me names for no apparent reason. What a meanie. I think he was drunk. Or something. He then called like three times after he told me to hang up. Wow. I dont even know. Randomest shit ever. Here I am being melancholy and the like and its like he wants to rile me up for....well, I dont even know what for! For me to be angry?? At what?? I'm just stupefied at where this is all coming from, really. Why am I even continuing with this verbal abuse from him?? *sigh* Totally not worth my time. I've got to head to bed because I'm going to that electric daisy carnival(?) tomorrow and before that, I'm going to the KBPI car show and before that, I'm taking Puck to get his shots. I should be in bed right about now, er, hours ago. I shouldnt even had answered and feigned sleepiness, LOL...I'm bad. *shrug* I wish I could call Antonio and talk to him about this but he hasnt answered my calls all day or my texts. I hate when he doesnt, because then it makes me feel like I'm bothering him. *sigh* I could call Scott. Then I feel like an ass because I dont talk to him regularly. I am a horrible person, I shouldnt be surprised by it. Ah, well. At least I know it. *shrug* So many shoulds and shouldnts. Damn, I cant even figure myself out after 20-something odd years. How depressing. And so, I end with melancholy again. I need a drink.

~Lena