"The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." -Kahil Gibran (Methinks not! How so??? Where so???? LOL)

Thinking about my nice set of $700+ knives makes me a Sad panda. So sad that I think about other things I could've bought. Such as:
Sofa set (can you believe that I have lived in my condo for a little over five years without a damned sofa set???)
Motorcycle (could've been really useful today and tomorrow, sadness)
New bed (my backs killing me ever since I slept wrong)
New laptop (because in techie terms, mine's is ancient)
The piano I've been searching for since mid March ish. Or was it earlier?

And just some other miscellaneous stuffs. Thinking about all that and how I help my ungrateful siblings out from time to time also makes me a sad panda if not a very peeved one. So while I have an awesome mom at times. I have a rather fucked up family who deem it necessary to shun me as the outcast. Example: Today I had to take my car in to get the water pump replaced, which was under warranty, yay! SO - guy tells me the Toyota handbook dealie says it takes 11 hours but they'll try to get it to me by the end of the day. I brought it in at 10:30. I'm like oookay, good luck with miraculously changing it in the next six hours. I have class today and its in Aurora. The dealership is in Westminster which is a good half hour or so apart from one another. I call my sister (who had lived with me for two weeks because the drive from Westminster to the Park Meadows mall is too long and is better from my place, AND my mom convinced me to let her stay with me on days that she works. Which turned out to conveniently be almost every friggin day , mom had made it sound like it was only going to be a few times a week, alas, she has been fired. Or in her words: the kiosk that she was working in "had closed down"). Anyway, LOL...that was a long side note, so I call her to see if she will pick me up at the least and take me home. Nope, she's busy fucking sleeping. This is at 11 in the friggin gawddamn morning!!!!! What else has she to do???? Really, get your lazy fucking ass out of bed and take me home so that I may do my homework and proceed to walk to class!!!! UGH.

Her excuse, as told to me by my baby sister is that she has to take my other sister (who sold me the damned $700 knives on my mom's insistence to "help" her out because she claimed that no one in the house "wanted to support her" in her endeavors, its true, I heard her bawling it the night I bought those damned knives) to an appointment at 11:30. And this gets better, okay? Are you friggin ready??? BTW - I am still fuming at these two worthless pieces of shit excuses for sisters, which is the most likely reason that I dont care to know what the fuck they're doing, lol...SO - I ask my baby sister to ask my piece of shit dad. At first he's like 'Okay, I'll come get you.' Oh and the damned dealership is less than a ten minute drive from my parent's house, mind you, its not like I was asking for an arm and leg and whatever body part they seem to have thought I was asking for. Then he calls back 10-15 minutes later, and I'm like, "Sweet, maybe he's not as big of a piece of shit dad that I took him for." No, people, I was wrong. He says, "Why dont you have the people there at the dealership take you home?" Okay - first of all, its not like my dad has anything going for him. NOTHING for him to do til 2 o'clock when he starts to get ready for work. ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING!!!!!! And its not like I was waking him up because he was already waking up. So what if I didnt call to tell him 'Happy Father's day'????? None of my sisters or brother said it to him!!! AND two of my sisters (at the time) and my brother live with him!!

So I go back to the guy who said that they could arrange for a ride for me to school or home and ask if the offer was still good. Of course it is and one of the service guys take me home. And heres the best part - I get there, my baby sister's like, "What happened to dad getting you?" I say that the dealership took me there, no thanks to dad. And he gets offended. WTF??? Would it had really been so friggin hard to spend about 20 minutes of your time to come get your fucking kid??? I've never asked anything of my dad for the past 10 or so years. Its always been my mom because essentially, she is also my dad. And he was just the sperm donor. Piece of shit. Ugh. So I get there and my sisters dont leave til near noon!!!! AND I ask my sister what time her appointment was and its at fucking 1!!!! 1 fucking o'clock!!!!! Granted it was in Bennett, but c'mon, it was 11 when I called, it does not take three fucking hours to get to Bennett. She could've gotten out of bed and came to get me. I had to get up and go get her sorry ass from high school a few times! Seriously though, less than 10 minutes. Was that so fucking bad??? AND I even let her sorry mooching ass stay with me rent free. It was going to be for the entire summer, but she got fired after two weeks.

Yea, so whoever coined the phrase or belief that you can always depend on your family has never met my fucking family. I caught a ride with them back to my home but that was only because they were on their way down to Bennett. GRAWR!!!! So I had to walk in the sweltering heat today to class, thankfully one of my classmates saw me on the way there and gave me a ride for the last bit of the walk. How is it that I cant get a fucking ride from my family but a classmate will stop and pick me up for class???? I dont fucking get it. Oh, thats right, my family sucks ass. LOL Oh and another thing - so my 11 year old brother has a myspace and he decides to not add me. WTF??? First off, hes fuckin 11. Not to mention that my baby sister also has one too and I'm nowhere on her top friends list which is frivolous but isnt it the principle of the matter?? My two other sisters are on her top friends list but not me. Why the fuck is that?? I try to hang out with her as much as I can but I guess theyve just decided to shun me for whatever reason unknown to me. *sigh*

So I've decided that my life has been one big bad decision after another. I can't seem to ever be satisfied for any long period of time.

Collegeamerica? Waste of time.

Dating Oscar after knowing how it will be afterwards, just like how I went on the "date" with Justin *shudder* so many years ago... Rawr. As a matter of fact, all the guys I've dated thus far have been bad decisions. Except for Chris. If Chris had came before Ced, before Oscar, before Alan (who I never dated, but I really liked him and he totally crushed me and ironically we're now close friends, weird.) anyway, if Chris had come before all these pitfalls of dating, I think things might have been different. But no. I've fucked everything up. As always. So many what if's. I think I would be in med school right now if I'd been thinking clearly. *sigh* Where has all my ambition and motivation gone? Anyway, its getting late and I've been writing in this on and off for the last two hours now lol...its time to call it a night. I've got to get into the habit of jogging again.

Lena