"If you don't like something, change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it." -Mary Engelbreit

Alas, if only it were so simple!!

Theres been quite a lot on my plate these days, what with my summer class ending, work in general and trying to get things done before the next semester starts.Today, I am going to start off with the most recurrent theme of my life - procrastination. In fact, it is so repetitive and old that my friends are tired of hearing me complain about it. I'm sure they want me to just shut the fuck up and do something about it like a grown woman should. In a lot of ways, I feel like I am living my life backwards of sorts, what 12 year old changes diapers??? Not that I am resentful of the fact that I had to potty train and basically helped my parents raise my little sister and brother. It just feels a tad bit backwards. I feel angry about a lot of things and I feel melancholic-ish of sorts in other ways? I dunno. For instance - I failed English again. A few weeks in, I started to get lazy? Or was it the fact that my antidepressants ran out and I hadnt taken them for awhile and symptoms started coming back? I've no idea what the fuck it was really. I dont know what to do about it though. On the one hand, I do want to email my professor and beg for some pity of sort. But on the other hand, I just feel that I was totally and utterly responsible for the entire thing. I should have known better. I am an adult, right?? I shouldnt have to beg and ask for a better grade, a passing one at the least, because it was all to my doing. I did this to myself and I should take responsibilty.

BUT - I also dont want to drop another $300 just to get a fucking passing grade. Plus, the thought of writing another damned 10-15 page paper gives me the hives and starts initiating hair pulling of a tortuous variety. Seriously!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I dont know why I keep doing this. Its like I've got nothing else better to do than to waste money on classes to fail. Nothing else but to fail. WHY??? I've no idea. Maybe I was dropped on my head as a baby in the wrong place where I dont give a damn about how I am spending my hard earned dinero. (It is kinda hard earned, considering I load and unload heavy pieces of equipment with mail and get harassed by my bitch of a supervisor at least twice a week, if not more depending on her mood). I feel like I have to make an appointment with my psychologist just to have someone to talk to? Someone who can tell me why the hell I keep fucking up. Its really disconcerting. I did feel a tad bit better yesterday after baking a cake and some little pastry-like thingies that were called puffins (something I bought from a coworker for his child's fundraiser dealie). Anywhichway, this is depressing!! Where did everything go wrong??? Was it because I wasnt in school for awhile??? I've never ever failed a class in my life until I went to college! What the fuck happened to the Lena who was ambitious and had a plan to take over the world (so to speak). Just...rawr! Fuck. Fuckin a, you know??? Its really disheartening, the whole thing. MY LIFE.

"Life is like a coin. You can spend it any way you wish, but you only spend it once." -Lillian Dickson

Blah, anyway, I needed to get that off my chest because I feel like a bother talking about it to Alan and Antonio, as I'm sure they're tired of my whining and would like to shove cheese down my throat for it to stop. Consequently, I still dont feel better after hashing this out on my keyboard. >_<#

On another note - I read The Time Traveler's Wife last week and I absolutely loved it! I am waiting to see it in the theaters, but since the friends that I was going to see it with arent really getting back to me, I might go see it myself. I also dont want to potentially tear up in front of them lol...I feel that I shouldnt anyway. And now I am currently reading Angels and Demons. I must admit, it has not captivated me like The DaVinci Code, but its pretty good so far. I wish I knew how to manage my time better! I havent read anything since the spring semester! Reading is always so comforting to me because I get to lose myself to the world of my imagination. *sigh* I also need to find the motivation to jog again. Which brings me to...I might get a roommate!! YAY!!! So far, I've had two potential roommates with fail, as they only asked if I was looking for one and then things didnt go as far as planning. *shrug* Anyway, hopefully, *fingers crossed* this will go further and he might actually move in at the end of September/beginning of October. Maybe this will spark my motivation to cook and take better care of myself? As much as I dislike my sister, when she was living with me, I felt I had to clean and do dishes more often and actually cook more often. It was nice ish. Even if I hate her guts. But anyway, I hope that my friend wont change his mind, because it'd be nice to have someone to live with after four years of solitude! Not to mention, a jogging partner! (My dogs are great jogging parners, well, just Puck, Marlowe is a lazy ass! But after jogging, Puck will vomit his bile and I dont like that too much so we havent jogged for awhile.)

~Lena